Written by a Cafe 1040 Student in pre-field
A summer of learning and growing in an unfamiliar culture in the 10/40 window is an opportunity I am undeserving of. Lined up against COVID deaths, racism, job loss, poverty, sex trafficking and slavery, abuse, and countless other aspects of brokenness world-wide, I struggle to see the cancellation of this summer program as a problem at all. If there ever were a time to accept the reality of a fallen world and the fact we were made for eternity with Jesus, it is now. There is no explanation for the disarray in which we live aside from the hope of the love of God. In receiving the news Cafe 1040 would not run their summer programs, my thoughts rose to a climax in the question, “why me?”. Why do I get to experience a life of knowing Jesus while, for so many years, billions of people who are far more acquainted with brokenness than I, will live and die having never even heard the Good News? How humbling it has been to have something I do not deserve to partake in (Cafe 1040) be taken away, and to have eternal life, the thing I deserve least, be made so apparent.
There is something about the stripping away of expectations that draws us face to face with reality Himself. Through this process, I have been introduced to parts of myself I dislike most. I am guilty of fixing my eyes on God on the basis of where I am going and what I get to do rather than on partaking in life with Him. Through this conviction, the Lord has extended grace and forgiveness by continuing to walk me through my selfishness.
Prior to the decision to cancel summer programs, anticipation surrounding May 17 as a departure date gave me butterflies. My mind flooded with thoughts of packing and meeting my teammates in person, stamping a passport, getting on a plane, settling into a new place with new food and new people. While this excitement is not inherently ‘bad’, I dismissed the very purpose I claimed to be going for and instead sought after personal gain. Only through the cancellation of this summer did I come to realize I placed highest value in what I would get to do. Not only did I lack a posture of openhandedness and humility before the Lord but also before His children, the very ones He created in His image; the very ones I so boldly claim to be burdened for.
Furthermore, I’d be lying if I said I felt just as purposeful spending a summer in the States as I would overseas. There is significance in defining ‘purpose’ here. Was purpose a buildup of self in relation to experiences in Southeast Asia or was I truly after the heart of God? Paul’s words in Galatians 1:10 spoke to my core – “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ”. It’s a brutal realization to be given eyes to see self-made strongholds. How exhausting is the strife of an attempt to give oneself a deeper sense of purpose rather than looking to the Author and Perfecter of our faith.
As I continue to feel conviction towards placing purpose in where I get to go as well as in the approval of man, God has been sweet to reminded me of the home He builds within all of us. And this home of His, it is not confined. Not to a jail cell nor to a hospital bed. Not to a brothel nor to an empty pantry. Not to disappointment nor to loss and unmet expectations. No, this home is boundless and alive and everlasting.
In John 14:15-31, Jesus promises the Holy Spirit will come after His resurrection and ascension. He says, “[The Father] will give you another Helper, to be with you forever” (14:16) as well as, “we will come to him and make our home with him” (14:23). When it comes down to it, I think the one thing we are all truly after is intimacy with God. To just be with Him. More often than not, I find myself caught up in where I go and what I get to do which results in missing the beauty of His presence and the motivation of His heart.
In the midst of chaos and confusion, God’s character is consistent and His redemption for this broken world does not cease. The One who commands the winds and the waves is simultaneously the guide in the hearts of all who trust in Him. Gayle Jenkin’s words conclude my learning in the most recent season of time.
